Editor’s Note: The following article is excerpted from Perry’s book, A Wealth of Possibilities, Edgemont Press, 2012.
For financially successful families with joint enterprises, assets and philanthropic interests, having a forum to maintain and enhance their personal connections to one another is important—which is why family offices need to know how to set up a family meeting.
Family meetings can be a dynamic means of building relationships, establishing connections and continuing dialogue among family members that promotes more effective communication and trust.
Family meetings are best when held regularly—at least twice annually. They should be open to all adult family members, including spouses. An agenda must be developed in advance, with input from all participants. A skilled facilitator, one who has identified ahead of time any hidden or percolating issues, should be brought in to run the meeting.
It’s important to give the family meeting a tone of professionalism and transparency. Everyone invited should be able to understand in advance what’s on the agenda, the purpose and goals of the meeting, how the meeting will be conducted and what the experience will be like. Many family members may have quite a bit at stake in these meetings—both emotionally and financially. The less left to chance and happenstance, the more secure everyone will feel.
Agenda items can vary widely. Families might discuss developing leadership in the next generation, financial results, investment opportunities, operating business updates, communication and trust building, estate plans, the selection and performance of money managers, legal issues, use of vacation homes and aircraft, family vacation or reunion plans, and family genealogy, among other issues. Families who meet regularly often develop a template or rhythm that guides the development of each meeting agenda.
When many members of a family come together, the chances increase for intense emotions to surface. Here are a few practical actions I’ve found helpful in keeping difficulties at bay during family meetings:
• Have the meeting in a “neutral” location—not in the home of a family member or at the office. It keeps the potential dynamics simpler.
• Hold the meeting in a room with good natural light and windows. This allows for better energy for the participants. Trust me on this, it makes a difference.
• Allow for frequent breaks—at least 15 minutes every two hours. Remember, family relationships can create anxiety; giving participants breaks makes for a more productive meeting.
• The elders, trusts or family office should foot all travel and related expenses. Don’t nickel and dime participants over sodas they took from the minibar or the in-room movie they watched after the meeting. If you want willing and vital participation, make it easy and comfortable for all involved. Pay for the plane, train, hotel, car, gas, tolls, babysitters, meals, cabs, tips—all of it. It will be money well spent.
The underlying goal of my suggestions is to create a welcoming space, both physically and emotionally, for every family member. The long-term purpose of these meetings is to create and sustain strong family connections. Everything you do and plan for the meeting should move you closer toward that. If you find yourself considering something that would work against closer family bonds (such as leaving out spouses, holding a secret pre-meeting caucus, insisting that everyone pay for their own transportation), consider that a red flag in your planning process. Family meetings can be useful arenas for spirited discussions, even debates, but they should never turn into battlefields. That said, some conflicts can’t be avoided; do what you can to minimize those within your control.
A short weekly meeting during dinner with your children can be a great time to discuss upcoming family events, holidays, household responsibilities and chores, school events and family updates. Each person can take a turn discussing what’s on his or her mind. Some families add rituals such as the lighting of a candle or the singing of a song.
A colleague of mine described her family meetings in which she, her husband and their teenage daughters hold a 30-minute Sunday evening meeting while their younger daughter colors on the floor. They follow this with the distribution of allowances and ice cream sundaes—calling the meetings Sunday Sundaes.
The Role Of The Facilitator
Having an experienced, non-family member organize and facilitate is vital to ensuring a productive meeting. Ideally, hire someone not currently affiliated with the family, but if that’s not feasible, choose a talented and skilled attorney or the CEO of the family business.
Under no circumstances allow a family member to run the meeting. Think of it this way: Orchestra conductors don’t try to play an instrument while they lead. Facilitators, like conductors, should be mindful of bigger strategies, desired outcomes, potentially complicated issues and possible complexities among relatives. They should have talked to all participants in advance of the meeting and understand how to navigate the group forward. They hold the responsibility of keeping the space safe for all and for dealing with complex issues. They don’t have a dog in the fight, so they’re completely unbiased and, more important, nonjudgmental.
Facilitators are compensated either by the day, year or project. A strong facilitator will have formal training, references and long-standing clients with whom you can speak. They should not be compensated in any way other than by you, meaning no third-party payments from your investment advisor or trust company.
Ideally, facilitators become intimate members of the business/family/enterprise circle—not a one-time resource brought in to help with one or two meetings. They should learn the patterns of the family and become a deeply important resource for all generations. If you choose someone already involved with the family, such as your lawyer or CEO, be sure he or she has strong facilitation skills. Err on the side of skills and experience rather than intimate, existing knowledge of the family or enterprise. Understand that this person must be seen by all members of the family as unbiased and fair. (This is more challenging if you use an employee or confidant of one family member.)
The best facilitators aren’t just able to run a good meeting. They’re also leaders who will raise topics that can enhance the family’s ability to thrive. They will anticipate what’s around the next corner and can help family members get through it. They will ask the hard questions family members can’t ask themselves. They will speak truthfully and openly, without fear of retribution. They are willing to be fired or, if the relationship is not working out, they will tell you when it’s time for them to step aside.
Family Mission Statements
Another way to build connections in families of wealth is by coming up with a family mission statement that describes the values and purpose of the family members. What many don’t realize, however, is that the process by which it is created is as important as the statement of purpose that emerges. Keep the following in mind when looking to create your family’s mission statement:
• Hold a series of special meetings. Take time to discuss the big picture. What do we represent as a family and what is the purpose of our resources? Give each question the appropriate amount of thought and discussion.
• Hire a skilled facilitator. As with family meetings, a facilitator, whether a trusted colleague or a consultant, can be invaluable in an important discussion such as this—better yet if you can find one who has been through this before. Consider bringing in someone to organize and then move the discussion forward, leaving interested family members to voice their thoughts and concerns without having to worry about the specifics of the ultimate product.
• Take your time—a year or two, or more, if necessary. Remember, most families function without a mission statement. Allow ample time and space for the mission that resonates best with your family to emerge in the family consciousness.
• Don’t try to write the statement all at once. It often makes sense to let the spirit of the mission statement percolate at your family meetings. Later, you assign a point person to draft a statement for review. While some families could conceivably knock out a dynamite mission statement in an afternoon, most find themselves haggling
over words. Better to sort this out over a series of meetings and with a facilitator.
• Look to the family dynamic. Anticipate how the family works together. Who dominates discussions, who quietly has good ideas, who gains consensus well, who causes conflict and who is passive in the moment and then derails the process later? Understand the patterns that exist and try to address them through the process.
• Get everyone involved. While only a few people—maybe even only one—should be involved in the actual drafting, the discussion should involve as many family members as possible to increase the chances that the mission will resonate with the most family members.
• Reflect as much as possible the common interests of the family. If the mission statement represents only the most senior, vocal or passionate members, only the most senior, vocal and passionate will be prepared to work toward it.
• Be as specific as possible. It’s much easier to broaden a mission later to welcome new family member interests than it is to narrow one’s mission and ditch a cherished element.
• Have fun. As much as you can, cultivate a spirit of lightness and curiosity around this activity.
• Don’t forget about it. The mission statement can be a unifying and energizing force for your family. It can be a valuable compass if you’re willing to let it lead you, so try to find ways to use it often. Refer to it during times of transition; open family meetings with a recitation of it; have it printed on business cards that you give to every family member. (This last goal also serves to keep it short.)
Whether via a family meeting or a mission statement or some other process for facilitating constructive communication, what you’re doing in all these efforts is creating a foundation—nurturing connection—to help support family members as they navigate complex relationships over many years. A patriarch and matriarch can often provide the kind of overarching thematic guidance that permeates a family and helps all members to see themselves both as individuals and as a collective whole. But as G2 and G3 move into adulthood, it becomes more difficult for any one individual to lead the family system. Family meetings and mission statements can help subsequent generations maintain their focus and cohesion.
To flourish, the family must nurture and grow human capital with the same passion that the original wealth creator put toward building financial capital. Nothing will contribute more to the resilience and connectedness of the family. Connection means being available to your family in meaningful, constant ways. It means doing the hard work of being a great communicator and developing processes and means to hear and honor individual voices. It means building mutual respect and trust. Family meetings, rituals and mission statements encourage connection. This process of connection is a lifelong devotion.
Ellen Miley Perry is the founder and managing partner of Wealthbridge Partners in Washington, D.C.
