Super-successful entrepreneurs regularly have to take definitive stands and support them. At the same time, they need to get results. By turning arguments into discussions, these entrepreneurs get others to work with them more cooperatively and effectively.
“For all of us to become more successful, it is necessary to find common ground, even with people with whom, at first it appears, there is no common ground,” says According to Frank Carone, chairman of Oaktree Solutions and co-author of Everyone Wins! How You Can Enhance and Optimize Business Relationships Just Like Ultra-Wealthy Entrepreneurs, “It is very, very easy to argue, to disagree, to support and defend a position without question. It is much harder not to succumb to arguing and instead to find ways to work together. It takes a concerted effort not to get drawn into arguing, to learn about the other person’s worldview and make sure they know you do, and to find where self-interests overlap—enlightened self-interests. It is all possible, and the outcomes prove advantageous for all involved.”
There are systematic approaches for turning arguments into meaningful discussions. The starting point is de-escalation, followed by discovery and empathy, then a focus on enlightened self-interests.
Step #1: De-escalation: You must quickly and powerfully convey that you are not interested in fighting. An easy way to do this is to say…
- “I’m not here to argue.”
- “I’m not here to fight with you.”
- “I’m not here for a competition.”
The reason behind de-escalation is that you sincerely are not there to argue. You recognize that there is usually no way to get the results you seek if there is conflict. People often get more emotional in arguments, and their positions tend to solidify even more.
If the discussion gets heated and becomes an argument, you can always reduce the temperature by slowing things down. Take more time before answering a question or making a statement.
Step #2: Discovery and empathy: You might believe you understand the other person’s point of view. And you might be accurate. Nevertheless, for two reasons, it is critical to be “intentionally ignorant.” This means you are going into the discussion as if you know little or nothing…
- Reason #1: You want to confirm that you understand the other person’s thinking and the premises and logic behind their positions. The best and sometimes the only way to get this information is directly from the person. Doing so also makes sure you are dealing with that individual and not with other people who have similar positions.
- Reason #2: You want to make sure the other person knows you understand their viewpoints and what they see as support for those views. Unless the other person believes you know them, you cannot have a meaningful discussion. Instead, you might often hear the refrain: “You just don’t understand.”
Discovery is how you address Reason #1. Empathy is how you handle Reason #2.
In Discovery, you commonly employ open-ended questions to elicit information. You want to learn as much as possible about someone’s thought processes and conclusions.
You are not being critical and certainly not confrontational. Instead, you are seriously trying to understand the ideas and viewpoints of someone you readily disagree with.
Carone says, “Discovery is how you learn and grasp someone else’s worldview. Empathy is how you communicate to that someone that you do. You can think of your empathetic responses as trial balloons. They are ways of confirming whether you are on the right track. Empathy helps to reduce errors and misperceptions.”
Sept #3: Focus on enlightened self-interests: You will not change your beliefs. The other side is not going to change what they believe. It is just not going to happen in either direction. In these situations, all attempts to win over the other side are exercises doomed to failure.
A very different approach is required. You need to appeal to their self-interests—what they strongly believe in—which overlaps your self-interests. This is referred to as enlightened self-interests.
The more overlap you can find and the more your respective actions further your shared goals, the easier it is to reach agreements. This has turned from a potential argument to a discussion to some possible mutually beneficial courses of action.
Russ Alan Prince is the executive director of Private Wealth and a strategist for family offices and the ultra-wealthy. He has co-authored 70 books in the field, including Making Smart Decisions: How Ultra-Wealthy Families Get Superior Wealth Planning Results.
